Wednesday, 22 January 2014

The Reason I Blog

I am on a journey, and I truly hope that the path I am taking and the things I have to share will inspire and help some of you to push forward in your own lives. The biggest problem I have at the moment is getting over the fact that I have always felt very ashamed of myself, this stems from many different things. I didn't grow up with the sort of parents who hugged and kissed and said "I love you". This statement isn't a "woe me", quite the opposite. It is what it is and I don't need my parents approval for anything now I am an adult but it would have meant a lot to me as a child, to have felt special, supported and encouraged when you are young is such a foundation into how you will cope when you are an adult, so if you are a parent, an older sibling or an aunt, a little bit of encouragement to a youngster will go a very long way. Let them know how much they mean to you, encourage them to chase their dreams, tell them they are beautiful and wonderful and the world is lucky to have them in it. Build their confidence and self esteem.

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As new as this blog may seem, it's not my first blog. But this one holds a very different vision for me. This is my hope and my dream, a place where I can express my struggles and be honest about things. I hope this blog will help me as a person, I hope it will help me to overcome my fears, help me build my confidence and my self esteem and maybe even help others.

I always hated having my photo taken as a child, it continued into my teenage years and then onto adulthood. I hated the way I looked and didn't want that to be captured in a photo, preserved forever! For years there were no photo's of me on facebook, and when someone asked me why I didn't want photos of myself on there I replied "I don't want people to see me, or know what I'm doing now" She couldn't understand where I was coming from, and she said "you only put the good stuff up".

The shame of who I was prevented me doing so much, I didn't want to risk people I went to school with knowing what I looked like now, what I was doing with my life, some of them bullied me at school so I wouldn't want to give them the fuel to laugh at me now as well!

It held me back so much, I arranged a fund raising ladies night at a local charity shop years ago and I wouldn't let the journalist from the local newspaper take a photo of me because I was too scared of people seeing it in the paper. I was happier to stay faceless, but I would see others success and feel jealous, and say why them?

I was my own worst enemy, it stopped me from pushing forward with my life, my career. I was critical of everything I did and too embarrassed to talk about myself and my work and put myself out there and then I would wonder why opportunities didn't come my way!

It simply comes down to: if you don't believe in yourself, no-one else will, this statement is a powerful one. Think about the kids that were popular at school, were they loud, and chatty and brave enough to put their hand up in class and speak their mind? Probably. That was the early form of self belief. Now what about people at work that have been promoted or given a pay rise, did someone just come along and give it to them? No, they would have asked for it, and made a sing and dance of their success's so the right people realised they were valuable.

I have wanted to produce YouTube videos for 6 years now, SIX years! And I still haven't done it, I watched some of the first ever "Beauty Guru's" and knew that I had something to contribute but I just wasn't brave enough to do so.

I have been battling with these demons for so long, the little voice in my head preventing me from putting myself in front of all those people on the internet. I held back on my first beauty blog, I didn't want to show myself to the world so I was too reserved. We all know that we like to see the person behind the blog and know what they look like, how they wear their hair and make-up. Yet I was too worried of how I look and that people may laugh at me, or say something horrible.

So you may ask, why have you got a new blog? Why do you think this time will be different? I wanted a fresh start, I wanted to give myself 365 days to change myself for the better and if I can't do it this time then I never will! I will just have to learn to suck up the bitterness and jealousy for all the people out there who have achieved what I could have possibly achieved and move on.

So my biggest hurdle to overcome at the moment? Putting pictures of myself on the internet, it is one of the most scary things ever for me. It took every little ounce of courage to put those photos of myself from New Years Eve up on this blog. Since then I have taken quite a few more that I just haven't been able to put up.

A couple of weeks ago I talked my boyfriend into going for a walk in the park with his camera with the intention of doing some outfit of the day shots. What happened? I HATED him taking photos of me, I felt embarrassed and awkward and scared someone might see us and wonder what the hell we were doing! Every photo he took I scrutinised it and saw something I didn't like so couldn't possibly use it. I thought I looked fat, or my hair looked bad, you could see a spot, my roots needed doing, my wrinkles showed! You name it, I hated it.

This weekend I again asked my boyfriend for some help taking some pics of my eye make-up for a post.Tthe outcome, I didn't like any so I never did the post.

I get so frustrated with myself, and wish I could just get past it but I don't know how. I want to, I really want to. I want to do it for myself, to build my confidence and for my future. I want to have children, and how am I supposed to teach them about confidence and self belief if I have none?

If you one thing today, make sure it's to say something nice to someone else. Compliment their hair, make-up, outfit, or say something good about their work. Trust me it will go a really long way,  think about how good it makes you feel when someone says something nice to you.

I will continue my battle and we shall see what happens I guess.

Anyone else felt this way? Tell me about your biggest self confidence battles.

believe in yourself and others will follow, Michelle louise love

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